I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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