We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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