note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
