I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i love accidental penises.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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