there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
