I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
