Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
