ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
