Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
