a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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