my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize