Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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