The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
