You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
