this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
