Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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