We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
