dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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