Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
