Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
