guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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