It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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