after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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