she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
