it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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