We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
