also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I need to align my fucking chakras
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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