Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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