Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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