Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
