I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
