I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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