I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
