My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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