Plan B is the new Plan A
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize