Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize