I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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