I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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