i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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