So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
