after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I want to be your penis for a week.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
