So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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