im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
