cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
