chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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