your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
