The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
