There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
