i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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