the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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