I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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