It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
