i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
