the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
