So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
