Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
