I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
