this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
