Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
