The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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